The Ballad of Ianto and NotJakc
by billyd34
Summary: Honestly? Don't read it. It involves rape, and kidnapping, more rape, carnivals, and stupidity. Do not read. Please.


An absolute, I believe the term is "crack fic". Making fun of my sisters favorite show. Please note, I have never seen an episode of Torchwood all the way through.

The story so far...

Owen has just come back to torchwood after a night of hard drinking. Jack says he understands, and allows Owen to use his bed to take a nap. Ianto, being the right crazy and horny bastard he is makes a few... well honest mistakes.

* * *

"Oh Jack! Jack! Where are you! I need to be sexing you up now! Where is he?" Ianto yelled as he searched for Jack during a game of naked hide n seek. Stumbling upon Jack's bedroom, he poked his head in to see if he was in there. Unfortunately for Owen, Owen liked to sleep naked. Especially after a night of hard drinking. "Ha ha! I've found you Jack! Whee!! Whoohoo!" he screamed as he sodomized Owen. The fates seemed to be working against Owen for 3 reasons.

1. Jack hit his head while hiding in the lower basement of Torchwood, and was knocked out cold for several hours.

2. Gwen and Tosh had gone out shopping for a wedding gown for Gwen.

3. Owen bashed his head against the head board before he could protest.

After Ianto gleefully finished sodomizing not-Jack (Owen), and I mean gleefully, he found not-Jack to be

unresponive. Still thinking (for some ungodly reason) that Owen was Jack, he decided to spend the day with not Jack.

"Oh Jack, that was great, though a little more entusiasm would be appreciated next time. I guess you are just tired from doing all that big moan hmmm manly work," Ianto said before assaulting Owen's poor, unsuspecting mouth. "Oh Jack, Jack! The carnival is in town I warned you it was a crack fic, lets go! Oooh! You could win me one of those cute bears that could be added to our vast number of sex toys (makes as much sense as the effin stopwatch)." So, the crazy, yet determined Ianto Jones slung not-Jack over his shoulders, and then proceeded to the fair.

When they arrived at the carnival, Owen was still passed out, and after a quick shag in the car (Owen is still naked), they proceeded to the carnival.

"Oooo ooo ooo! Look, Jack! Test your strength and win me one of those cute bears... o wait, they also have a snake... you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" Ianto tried to say as sexily as possible.

Not Jack grunted.

Ianto dropped not-Jack on top of the target, causing it to shoot all the way to the top (I don't care how small Owen is, it would still reach the top.).

Ianto walked away from the stand with a bright smile, a teddy snake (well you tell me what it should be called) and a naked, and very obliviously passed out Weevil king. Ianto was enjoying himself, and Owen was just about to come to when Ianto smacked his head (Owen's) against a cotton candy machine.

(Cut to the heavens)

"Well Odin," said Zeus,"The cotton candy machine was a nice touch, but Vishnu's idea for Jack knocking himself out, pure genius."

"I try, I really do."

"O, cut it out you three!" Jesus interjected.

"Oh come on, Jesus, lighten up will yea, I mean Christ, who (tasteless Jesus joke)."

"That isn't funny."

(Back to earth, or rather Hell for Owen)

The rest of the carnival went on as normal, only a few bits of interest. Ianto showed great strength and

determination when he picked Owen up and threw him at the target, making the silly gentleman they always have sitting above a tank of water at carnivals. Also, a few bystanders did laugh at Ianto and his not-Jack, slung over his shoulder. Which he always responded, loudly and proudly, "What you never seen a gay couple before?"

After it happened a few times (42), Ianto decided to escape the derogatory comments and return to Torchwood. After a few quick shags in the car (Ianto managed to get Owen just in the right position to (I am terribly sorry you are reading this, but of course then again, it's no picnic writing it. I don't know the first thing about gay sex, so I decided to input one of these letters of apology in it, anyway, back to the show).

When Ianto Jones, Not-Jack and several, and in no way phallic (wink wink) stuffed animals, arrived back at Torchwood, Toshiko Sato, Gwen Cooper, and Jack Harkness all looked on in disbelief.

"Well Jack, I had great fun, we should do it again some time," Ianto said before yet again assaulting Owen's mouth with his own. He then dropped not-Jack onto the floor, and proceeded to his room.

The shock of the fall (So that is what it took to wake the poor bastard up?) woke Owen up.

"Oi! Why am I in the middle of the room naked, why does my ass hurt like fuck, and why are all of you looking at me like that?" a dazed and confused Owen shouted.

Fin, or is it?? Who shall Ianto attack next? Tosh? Gwen? That pterodactyl whose name I can't spell? Tune in next week for tales of a serial rapist, starring Ianto Jones, and victim!


End file.
